20 Things you don’t want to hear on a first date:

Feel free to add your own.

1. I was pissed. For the Renaissance reenactment I showed up as the King, and then three other Kings showed up. I said that there could only be one King, and that’s me!

2. I’m proud to say that I’ve never been to prison. Fortunately, the evidence was lost and I was acquitted.

3. Oh, you look so much like my mother.

4. You remind me of my fourth wife.

5. I’ll have a double scotch with a beer chaser, and keep em’ comin’.

6. You mean you actually believe that we landed on the moon?

7. Do you want to come up? My parents went to bed an hour ago.

8. Like what the fuck. I said, do you fucking know who I fucking am, if not, then get the fuck out of my fucking face.

9. Do you believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

10. Oh, I’ll just watch you eat. I’m watching my figure.

11. Nice tits!

12. That is sooo cool. High Five!

13. Do you have any money?

14. Where’s the restroom. I totally have to take a dump.

15. Do you think our waitress would be into a threesome?

16. Oh, I’m all clean now. I haven’t done heroin in three whole days.

17. Let’s just go back to my place and play Madden Football.

18. Do you want this restaurant? Cuz, I could buy it you know.

19. No one saw you come in here, right?

20. Get out, you slept with Carl? I slept with Carl.